I’m ready for change. I’m ready to take the next step to eat “normally.”
I’m ready to get out of this rut.
It’s strange how, out of seemingly nowhere, I realized that the food I deemed “fattening” was only so because it became a rule in my head. The voice whispered to me day after day that I must eat perfectly, that I cannot mess up.
Now, I can face my fear. As scared as I am to move on, I know I must. The only thing scarier than staying in one place is thinking that you may stay in one place forever if you don’t do something about it.
With this eating disorder, I’ve been stuck in the same routine day in and day out because I felt too afraid to move on. But today is it. I might fall back again, but at least I’m making an effort to try something different. At least I’m willing to try something I wouldn’t normally do. I told myself I could go back if I didn’t feel comfortable enough, but I encouraged myself to at least try.
For instance, I am eating food on a plate. Like, a regular plate, instead of trying to hide any food I deem “embarrassing” in a tiny bowl. Also, I decided I needed variety. I want to enjoy food. It’s time to savor and relish what I’m eating.
This is not to say I’ve never liked the taste of the food I usually eat. But I do find it a rare treat when I “have” to go out to eat. I find myself with a fear food, and I love the taste of it. It’s something as simple as sautéed quinoa and grilled tofu with crunchy, caramelized vegetables and, god-forbid, sauce.
Fear has been holding me back. Fear of taste, of loving or wanting something too much. It’s a fear of feeling like my body will run away with food and I will not be able to slow down.
When my dietitian encouraged new foods like pasta or even peanut butter, I couldn’t convert to them right away. I had to want to change. Eventually, after multiple discussions and mulling over the idea, we were able to convince myself that it would be okay–one food at a time.
I went to the store today and spent an hour shopping for “new” foods. I haven’t seen this much variety in my shopping cart in years. I felt anxiety and reluctance putting some items in my cart, but also a hint of excitement. I knew that at least half of me was okay with what I put in, and I began to think of all the cool recipes I could start cooking up with them. I also began to think about how much more fun food could be with this change.
My greatest take-aways from this? Keep learning about yourself. Be patient and at least consider suggestions from an eating disorder dietitian and/or therapist. The worst thing that could happen is that you don’t like the new thing you are doing, and you always have the option to go back to what you were doing before.
Thankfully, I don’t think I will.