Why Certain “Lifestyle” Diets Didn’t “Fix” My Eating Disorder
Q: Balance – If we don’t take care of ourselves, we aren’t as able to [take care of] others. It’s about finding balance so that you avoid extremes in diet and exercise. I know that people have commented that they want to know what diet you finally found that works best, and it makes me wonder if they are looking for answers for themselves. That’s a pretty tough question to answer because nutrition isn’t that cut and dry, and there is still a lot that we don’t know. Everyone thinks that they are an expert, and you can find great arguments that support almost any diet. That’s why I think balance and moderation is best. I’m curious to learn where you are at with this.
A: Perfectionists like me seem to want to go “all the way” with anything and everything. If a little bit is good, then a lot must be better. I think many runners and other athletes fall into this trap, too. You think, if I run this many miles, then ten more miles each week would make me even faster.
While that can be true, we perfectionists can escalate things quickly: Because I have enough discipline. Because I have enough willpower. Because I can force myself to do it.
When my mom suggested I cut down my portion sizes if I was uncomfortable with my weight, I figured I had to starve myself. After all, the way I ate at the weight I was at meant eating until I was full/content. To lose weight, I figured, meant I must go hungry.
I took “eat two pieces of toast instead of five” into “starve yourself.”
And then with raw food: “eat as much as you want,” to binge.
Lose a little bit of weight to run faster, to lose as much weight as possible to run fastest.
Avoid too many desserts, to avoid desserts and special occasions with friends at almost all costs.
Focus on running and school, to feeling guilty if I spent any time away from that.
When I tried a raw food diet in the midst of my eating disorder–particularly 30 Bananas a Day (fruitarian diet), I was falling into even more dangerous extremes. The diet was enticing because I read about how you could supposedly eat as much as you want. Eat as much fruit as you want. Eat little or no fat.
I felt that one diet would “cure me” of my eating disorder. I thought eating mostly fruit would cure my eating disorder. Long after that failure, I spent hours reading through articles online or buying books from the library to find another diet “cure.” But it turned out that the only real cure was getting professional help through therapy and seeing a dietitian. It was only through their assistance that I finally found my sense of balance and moderation with food. They helped me to see past the numbers and macronutrients, and understand my body and mind.
I encourage anyone who is still looking for a way out of their eating disorder does not end by finding the “miracle” diet, certain macronutrients, controlling the timing of meals, or the best weight loss pill to do so. I remember thinking that that was the only way my eating disorder would end. I later discovered that it’s about finding balance again–something I only really found with an eating disorder dietitian and therapist.
I went from one extreme to another–restricting many foods (anorexia), to going all the way to eating any food (unfortunately, through binge eating), and now I’m moving towards food that I believe is better for my body, while still eating treats and foods that may not be so healthy for the body (I say it’s healthy for the soul). I figure that if the cheat meals make me feel mentally happier (we’re still getting to that – I’m working on getting rid of the guilt, first), then I will be healthier than the person who eats the healthiest food in the world but feels sad or bored with the food they eat.
So yes, ultimately I found that balance was a huge key in my eating disorder recovery and success. And mental health professionals helped me to get to that point.
