I started this blog to talk about my struggle with an eating disorder, but it has taken me so long to come to terms with that diagnosis. I still worry that an eating disorder is not really what I deal with (“it’s not that bad,” I tell myself). Because that would leave me with this obsession/preoccupation with food and confusion about what it is or what it means. The missing label would make it more confusing and difficult to own what I’m struggling with. It’s as if the label allows me to move forward and recover.

But it’s also terrifying to have this diagnosis next to my name.

Owning Up to the Diagnosis

I have gone through denial and back-and-forth internal dialogue for so long. I’m trying to understand my thoughts, actions, and feelings around food. It wasn’t until now that I told myself this is real: I have an eating disorder.

I know “eating disorder” is all over this website. I have admitted to an eating disorder for some time now. But it has taken me months to own up to it. I began to notice how shy and tentative I was about bringing it up with friends and family. And when anyone I meet asks me what my book will be about, and I start talking about how it details experiences in college with racing and learning about myself. I’m constantly skirting around the big “eating disorder” phrase or topic.

Strength in Speaking Up

Even when I first started this blog I felt nervous to post about it on my Facebook page. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to make people feel bad for me. But I realized recently how feeling shy and tentative about the eating disorder makes me powerless to it. Many of us who struggle with food see the topic of eating as shameful and difficult to bring up. I couldn’t even say the word “calories” out loud in my anorexia stage. But we DO need to talk. And I know I am fine talking about it now once we get the conversation rolling.

Yes, I have an eating disorder. It’s a struggle. I am continually healing and growing. I have made good use out of the life lessons the eating disorder has given me and will continue to use it to help others as well as to help myself.

So I guess this final statement is directed toward the people who know me personally: I am open to you asking me about the eating disorder. I am willing to answer questions and tell you about the struggle. I probably need to talk about it out loud.

I have an eating disorder.