What Are You So Afraid of?
I’ve been asked this question a lot lately, or at least questions similar to it: What is my fear, how do I handle it, and why am I so afraid?
I feel like fears need examination in order to face and deal with them. Half the battle is knowing what you are dealing with–and for me, coming to terms as to why I fear food must be faced.
Thinking Through Everything
When I make time to think through all of this, I can finally “hear” my thoughts. But the answer doesn’t come in a roar or in an astounding revelation. It doesn’t change my life in an instant. It comes in increments, entering either slowly or suddenly as I allow my mind to wander and drift among my thoughts to the deepest emotion.
I am afraid of my body–of the potential it has to escape my mind’s control.
I was afraid at my thinnest of the potential I had to possibly win a national NAIA cross country meet–maybe because success came too fast, maybe because the way of reaching running “success” was not the way I had anticipated. Along with the success came a dark secret of restriction and pain, and I never imagined I would reach national status through something like that.
I was afraid of the power my mind had over my body to sink the weight lower, but also of the power my body had over my mind as binge eating took over my life.
Trusting My Body
So I come to this conclusion: anything my body feels without my “consent”–hunger, emotion–scares me. I am afraid of what my body is capable of. I am afraid of the potential I have within because changing, letting go, and believing in myself can be scary. It requires trust and faith in a feeling that is not easy to see or define.
Wow, it’s like you read my mind. I was just asking a friend earlier today about that “fear” of leaving an eating disorder behind and then you posted this. Very well said and relatable.
Here’s another quote to ponder: “Since we decided to be infinite, there’s no end and there’s no fear.”
What is to gain from this is the realization that the you at your essence is indestructible; that a “you” exists separate from both your body and your mind and from that “you” is where love, peace, and true knowledge flows. It’s just a matter of saying yes to it and thereby saying no to all the drama, pain, and fear in your life.
It’s amazing how far I have come since I first spewed my story on a comment section of this blog a few months ago. Much thanks to Rachael for creating a safe place to share, learn and grow through this often scary time in our lives.