Thanksgiving 2010 I was concerned about having enough “safe” foods at dinner.
Thanksgiving 2011 I ate my own separate “raw food diet” foods.
Thanksgiving 2012 I binged on pie in my bedroom.
Thanksgiving 2017: I’m excited to eat. I indulge in the dark turkey with stuffing and relish the taste of fresh green beans. I don’t think a moment more about food when I finish off the evening with pumpkin pie.
Eating disorder recovery was confusing and tough, but so worth it.
So what happened between 2013-2017?
- I continued to reach out to my eating disorder therapist and dietitian. I made sure to tell them the truth, even if it felt too embarrassing to me. I knew the more THEY knew, the more they could assist ME.
- I accepted my body as it was, even at its heaviest. Continuing to strive for a smaller body kept me in a restrict-binge cycle. It got me nowhere.
- I forced myself to try activities I was not great at, or to spend time with new friends or family I hadn’t connected with in years. It was by making mistakes and trying new things that I began to find greater happiness beyond anything I had found in the “high” parts of the eating disorder.
For full details on the experience and my recovery, you can read Running in Silence: My Drive for Perfection and the Eating Disorder That Fed It. If you are still struggling, know that there IS recovery at the end of all this hard work. I thought I was one person who would have to live with an eating disorder forever, and I proved myself wrong.
You can, too.