Post updated March 14, 2021, to improve clarity and readability.

“But Rachael, you need fuel to run well.”

“Your body is a machine. You are the driver. The body needs fuel and maintenance.”

“If you burn it, it really does not matter what you put in the furnace.”

As a runner, I knew how important food was. In fact, I believed I knew a lot more about nutrition than most of my peers. When anyone assumed I didn’t see food as fuel, I didn’t give them much credit since I was the one constantly “researching” nutrition.

I believe this speaks to the complexity of eating disorders. As someone who was unknowingly struggling with disordered eating, hearing comments like the ones above did nothing to make me “just start eating more.”

Weight Loss and Running Faster

Drastic improvement and praise in my athletic performances were all I could see at the onset of my eating disorder as a runner. If I really wasn’t eating enough, I thought, how could I have this much success?

I was never informed about the common experience athletes have when restricting food: sometimes a surge in performances, only to be followed by injuries, disordered eating, and/or other health issues. Had I known more about these consequences, I might have realized that my poor relationship with food needed to be addressed.

I may have thought about seeking help sooner.

“This Couldn’t Be an Eating Disorder”

But I had many misconceptions about eating disorders–that it didn’t happen often, if at all, to athletes. Or that I had to be “thin enough” to be taken seriously. Additionally, no one seemed to identify and address red flags (like starting a raw food diet, losing my period, eating plates of mostly vegetables, eliminating desserts).

My denial fueled the thought that I was just “fixing” my voracious appetite. I believed super rigid, healthy eating was for my athletic lifestyle. I thought that the binge eating that followed my restriction was a lack of discipline. I believed that my success in running was earned through how “good” I was around food.

If someone were to tell me to “just fuel more,” and I realized they were right, I still wouldn’t have known how to start. I would have been too afraid of going so “out of control.” And when the binge eating developed, I thought it proved exactly that.

No Simplifying a Complex Illness

We have to talk about not only the physical toll eating disorders take on athletes, but also the emotional and social toll. We must raise awareness so that athletes aren’t left in the dark wondering what exactly is “wrong” about how they struggle with food and their mental health. We must show that it’s okay and important for athletes to get the professional mental health help that they deserve.

It’s not as simple as “just eating more.”  It goes beyond just telling someone “how to fuel.”

As Lize Brittin told me once, “Imagine how many healthy runners there would be [if it were so simple].”