“You Can Never Have An Eating Disorder That Isn’t ‘Serious Enough'”
Charmaine is an undergraduate at the University of Bristol reading International Social and Public Policy. When she’s not running, you can probably find her in climbing gyms, the mountains or some corner of Bristol. If she’s not outdoors, she’s probably cooped up with a book about the human condition, a social issue or someone’s adventure. […]
A Destructive Numbers Game
I thought it was just a numbers game. I thought it was just about having discipline and willpower. I thought it was running until you threw up, that you had to grit your teeth, and push through pain. When I valued these things in running, it wasn’t difficult to grit my teeth and push through […]
The Problem With Very Particular Portions
“You sure eat a lot.” “You’re eating AGAIN?” “Didn’t you just eat?” These were the kind of comments I received—not just in my mind when I had an eating disorder, but also from those around me as I was recovering. And in the midst of recovery, I was taking in a lot of food. I […]
An Ode To Carbs: The Macronutrient That Jumpstarted My Eating Disorder Recovery
As I attempted various “lifestyle” diets throughout my eating disorder, I often read that eating sugary food or carbs would make me crave more carbs. I was quick to agree with this because any time I did eat carbs, my body screamed for more. What I failed to realize was that my body was not […]
Journal Entries January 2013: Binge Eating Athlete?
Reading through old journal entries reminds me of how far I’ve come in five years. It also reminds me of how confused, lonely, and scared I felt back then. The following journal entries may be triggering, but I do not reveal numbers. I thought it would be important to share how devastating and confusing binge […]
Returning to Competition with Binge Eating
To the athletes with a restrictive eating past who are now bingeing: I know this hurts. It hurts like hell. You probably feel broken physically and mentally. You want someone to understand. You want it to stop. You just want to be back to where you were before. I know, because I’ve been there, too. […]
NEDAW: “Let’s Get Real” with Recovery and the Prevalence of Eating Disorders
The first time I “got real” was in an email to my mom. “I think I have an eating disorder,” I wrote. In that moment, I recalled the terror and pain of binge eating alone each night. I thought of the race, days prior, where I had revealed my bloated, heavy body for the first […]
“They Just Disappeared”: Beyond Anorexia in Runners
Post updated March 16, 2021, to improve clarity and readability. We often picture eating disorders in the running world in the form of a frail girl crossing the finish line. There’s an assumption that this person will run into multiple stress fractures in the next few years. And that, that is how they will disappear […]
When Loved Ones Can’t Understand Your Eating Disorder
Trigger warning: eating disorder behaviors mentioned. Post updated 3/5/21 to reduce triggers and update the writing because I am still a perfectionist. 🙂 “How can you physically keep stuffing in more and more food?” my dad asked one night. “I mean, I get to the point where enough is enough in one meal.” My […]
Rachael Recovered? Phases of the Eating Disorder and Where I Am Now
TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder behaviors mentioned. When I talk about my past eating disorder behaviors, the past Rachael I speak of seems so different from the Rachael I know now. When I write it all out as I’ve done here, it becomes clearer than ever. Restriction (2 years) 7 a.m.: Wakeup, and the first thing you […]