Drowning For Perfection: Guest Post by Erica King Kubowitsch
Note: Eating disorder behaviors mentioned. Events and conversations have been recreated from Erica’s memories of them.
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Before the anxiety, before the creeping doubt, there was simply the water.
Swimming felt as natural as breathing. The pool was a sanctuary where I felt calm, strong, and truly myself. As a child, especially during those endless summers, the public pool was my second home. I spent countless hours there almost every day, completely lost in games of pretending to be a mermaid and launching myself off the diving boards. I always dreaded the moment my parents would call me to go home. By six, I relentlessly pestered my mom to sign me up for the swim team.
By age eleven, I was immersed in swimming, consistently ranking among the nation’s top swimmers in the mile and finding both joy and challenge in every competition.Yet, alongside the triumphs came observations from coaches and friends about my slight frame: “How are you that fast and that small?” they’d ask, laughing.
Slowly, subtly, these comments twisted my understanding of myself. My size, I started to believe, was not just a characteristic, but the very foundation of my success, my specialness. If I stay small, I stay fast, I stay special I thought. This insidious belief took root, shadowing me even as my body matured and the once-effortless act of swimming grew complicated.