A Runner’s Life Without Running in Eating Disorder Recovery
I will always miss running. I will always remember what it felt like to fly over the grass of a cross country course or pick up speed around the final curve of the track. I also know that when I ran that fast, it was the only area of my life that brought me happiness. […]
When Loved Ones Can’t Understand Your Eating Disorder
Trigger warning: eating disorder behaviors mentioned. Post updated 3/5/21 to reduce triggers and update the writing because I am still a perfectionist. 🙂 “How can you physically keep stuffing in more and more food?” my dad asked one night. “I mean, I get to the point where enough is enough in one meal.” My […]
Today, I Graduate
This post was updated 3/2/2021 to improve the writing and readability. I’m still a bit of a perfectionist. 🙂 I entered college anticipating a chance to start over. It was a chance to bring out the person I had always felt had been trapped inside. I left high school as a depressed, eating-disordered, running-consumed, […]
10 Life Lessons I’ve Learned in Eating Disorder Recovery
The more I’ve explored what it means to live outside of perfection, the more I’ve realized how much joy I have denied myself. Worry and guilt were the two feelings holding me down, and courage was what allowed me to stop making myself my own worst enemy. Thus, I’ve realized ten things:
To Let Running Go
There was a point in my life when I–and I’m sure many of us–experienced that heavy walk through each day. We could not find the energy to speak to our friends and family. We lost ourselves so deeply that we felt defined only by what we accomplished or how we ate. Running was my protector. […]
A Lot Can Change in Two Years
I began this blog in fear. I didn’t know who I was or where I was going, but two years ago I needed this blog to make me feel like I was getting something done. It was my last hope for change. I feared what my friends, teammates, and family would think. I worried they […]
What Are You So Afraid of?
I’ve been asked this question a lot lately, or at least questions similar to it: What is my fear, how do I handle it, and why am I so afraid? I feel like fears need examination in order to face and deal with them. Half the battle is knowing what you are dealing with–and for […]
I Have an Eating Disorder
I started this blog to talk about my struggle with an eating disorder, but it has taken me so long to come to terms with that diagnosis. I still worry that an eating disorder is not really what I deal with (“it’s not that bad,” I tell myself). Because that would leave me with this […]
We Must Speak
I want to tell you that it is okay to ask for help. That even now I still struggle to do it myself. That just the other day, when I finally admitted to myself that the eating disorder was worsening again, that it was okay to say something. That I must. I want to tell you […]
Relationship With My Mom: Discussing Eating Disorder Triggers
Before I told my mom about my eating disorder, any comments she made about my food or hers felt like a knife slicing through my chest. The eating disorder twisted her words to make them sound like a jab at me. The comments could be about how much I ate, what kind of food I […]